Thursday, July 10, 2008

What a Difference a Year Makes

Exactly one year ago today I learned I was pregnant.

I took an early lunch that day to run to Publix for goodies to celebrate my boss' birthday later that afternoon. I don't know why the supermarket was particularly crowded that day, at that time, or why I chose the Health & Beauty aisle to make a shortcut beeline to checkout. All I know is I casually -almost laughing! - tossed a home pregnancy test into my cart. "There is NO WAY I could be pregnant," I thought.

My reasoning continued: I am on birth control, for goodness' sake, and I've NEVER had a problem! Oh, and normal events have occurred, well, normally, until June; and it's not that far past the normal time for June anyway. And, I just can't be pregnant! We just got back from a 10 day, rum-soaked vacation in the Keys! Plus, anyway, wouldn't there be SOME indication? I mean, everyone I know who has been pregnant has been terribly sick, and they are tired and food either makes them nauseated or hungry, and they're pretty cranky, too.

I talked myself right out of the possibility that I could be pregnant, and I strolled to the ladies' room - again, almost laughing! - to pee on the stick. I read the directions very carefully. I peed on the stick. I put myself back together, and then I picked up the indicator stick. Two lines. Pregnant. Surely I misread the directions. Nope. Two lines. Definitely pregnant. The hyperventilation started almost immediately, and I threw up.

As soon as I could breathe, I walked back to my office, hid the indicator stick, grabbed my phone, walked out of the building, sat on the grass under a tree and started to cry. I had never felt so alone - and, yet, so connected to God - in the face of so much uncertainty.

PG was in Wisconsin for the BMW Motorcycle Owners Rally. He left five days earlier on the motorbike, to attend the rally and then rendezvous with me for a long-planned tour through northern Michigan. This is not the kind of news he ever expected to receive, and, certainly not the kind of news that should be shared via long-distance cell phone call. Still, he appreciates directness so I knew I had to tell him right away. I got his voicemail and left a message that was barely intelligible above the sobbing. When he got back in touch, PG told me he had braced himself for news of a death. He was relieved but, like me, he was flipped by the actual news.

To this day, I do not know how I managed to finish the remainder of the workday with my boss in the office all afternoon AND pull off the birthday party - all without breaking down or losing my head. But, by the time I was headed home, I was exhausted and dissolved into emotion and disbelief.

I took the second test at home, half-thinking that I had probably gotten myself all ginned up about a false positive. Same result. Two lines. Still pregnant. And thus began the new direction in our journey through life.

Today I couldn't help but reflect on July 10, 2007 and the amazing journey of the past year. As I gazed upon the unbelievable blessing that is Zane, I thought, Where there was tumult, there is now peace. The river of tears has been replaced by more laughter and smiles than either PG or I ever imagined possible. Calm has banished the anxiety of anticipation. Knowing has replaced wondering, and unchained joy and happiness have replaced the uncertainty. Our happy little family started in a tempest, and we endured the rough seas. Now we are enjoying fair winds and smooth sailing.


Chaotic Joy said...

My reaction to my first pregnancy was pretty much the same. I doubt anyone could have convinced me at that moment that I would want to do it again. And again. This was lovely Paige. Just lovely. Especially now that we know the happy, adorable, ending.

*pab said...

@Joy: thank you! I have been in such a reflective mood, and it is amazing what time - and God - will do. Without both, our family might not be. But, we have enjoyed the grace of both, and all three of us are happier for it!

Kelly said...

beautiful post, paige. the pics are adorable!