Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I'm on Facebook. A lot. Everyone else is, too, so I don't really have a problem. Okay, maybe I have a small problem...whatever, back to my story.

I'm "friends" with NPR, which is my other addiction. I have no patience for bad radio, so NPR it is (except when Zane and I are jammin' to the new Z-100). Wow, I am scatter-brained today. Must be the Diet Coke.

Okay, so, really, back to my story.

Today NPR updated its Facebook page with a story link about the release of the entire first season of Designing Women on DVD.

Like most women living below the Mason-Dixon line, I love Designing Women. My sister and I have seen every episode and still watch re-runs in syndication. There are certain lines and dialogue that never fail to crack us up.

In honor of the DVD release, NPR Pop Culture blogger Linda Holmes created "The Designing Women Game: Write Your Own Julia Rant." Finally! An opportunity to channel the queen of the calm, cool, collected tirade; an opportunity to understand - just once - what Julia would do.

The template is based on the Mad Libs model and contemplates the question, "What would Julia say about ABC's newest installment of the Bachelorette?"

Here's what I (as Julia) have to say:

"I would rather spend two hours sharing jalapeno poppers with Charles Manson than watch a woman who apparently purchased her intellect at the Dollar Store for $3.73 chase twenty-five men with biceps made of copper and heads packed with Trix.

Because when future generations look upon what we have left for them, which may by then be little more than greenhouse gases and millions of non-biodegradable blackberries, I fear they will conclude that they would have welcomed bread and circuses if only they had realized the alternative was Chili Fritos and The Real Housewives of New York.

And let me tell you a little something about romance: Handing out roses like you are a mascot throwing Sour Patch Kids to the assembled hooligans at the NBA Finals is not my idea of romance. Romance is a man who knows the difference between John Adams and Jon Bon Jovi and who is capable of putting on a brassiere without scratching his head as if he is connecting a Tivo without the instruction manual.

So do not ask yourself why I do not particularly enjoy a television show where the assembled male candidates represent romantic prospects inferior to the workers on the night shift at the Applebee’s in Orlando. Ask yourself whether, after a lifetime playing with a cultural Tonka Truck and dancing on the grave of Captain Ahab, you will ever...recover...your dignity."

And THAT, Marjorie, just so you will KNOW, and so your GRANDCHILDREN will SOMEDAY know, was the NIGHT. The LIGHTS. Went OUT. In GEORGIA.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ziggy Pop

It's time to lighten the mood in this joint. It is Friday, after all, and who wants to ride ickiness into the weekend? Not me. So, here are two brand-spankin'-new photos of my boys. It's too bad they really don't like each other very much.

PG - 43 years, Zane - 17 months

Nice try, but no. We are not cutting Zane's hair. EVER.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

paigeewaigee is...

still trying to make sense of it all; but promised to write a blog entry about the incident.

As posted to my Facebook profile last Thursday, via Twitter, I "learned a very hard lesson today: never, ever trust anyone. That includes "friends."

When I joined Facebook last Spring (as a way to see photos of a dear friend's new baby boy), I determined to use the service for pure social reasons: reconnecting with old friends from high school; staying in touch with friends who are geographically distant; keeping up with the local social scene; sharing photos and quick updates with family near and far; etc.,.

I work in a field that all but requires socializing with colleagues. Politics is built on a foundation of personal relationships and connections, and the line between "colleague" and "friend" is faint and distorted. Still, as my "friend" list expanded to include friends who are also work colleagues, I adjusted my privacy settings to allow only limited access to people who work within the legislative process - with very few exceptions.

Further, I blocked all Members who requested "friendship" through Facebook. While I socialize with many of my fellow aides and many lobbyist peers, "socializing" with Members - especially via a social networking website - is dangerous territory. In fifteen years of work in politics, I have learned "Members are not your friends." Period.

So, now, back to last Thursday. I posted (via Twitter) a status update that was critical of an Office in the Florida House, for good reason. Said Office is designed to provide clear, concise, accurate information about pending (or enacted) legislation to Member offices (and the public, the media, whoever...). Quickly.

However, when I called Said Office, identified myself as the aide to Representative So-and-So (information they should know, by the way...just sayin'...) to request information for responding to a constituent inquiry, I got the exact opposite of the service Said Office is supposed to provide. This is a pattern. Said Office is, as I stated in my status update, useless.

The five-word status update (posted during a break using my personal crackberry) did not name any names and did not include any detail. Ahem.

Somehow, despite the fact that my legislative "friends" are prohibited from seeing any status updates and links on my profile, that update made its way to the Honcho of Said Office who approached my boss...on the floor of the House...and raised hell. My boss directed me to remove the post, which I did.

This incident left me disturbed, upset, confused, mad, indignant and scared...on many levels:

  1. That someone I consider a friend, not a "friend" or just a colleague, would throw me under the bus. I do not know who I can trust anymore.
  2. That the Honcho would be so thin-skinned about something I (a minion) said, especially since the comment wasn't even about the Honcho. Politics is brutal and surely my comment is not the worst criticism ever received - either directly or indirectly. Maybe the Honcho is in the wrong biz?
  3. That the Honcho took up the cause of gossip (in the manner of true statesmanship) and immediately sorted to "defensive" and beating down the subversive instead of going to the root of the problem.
  4. That freedom of expression is a guaranteed right in our democracy and I did not waive that right when I started my career in legislative politics. I'm afraid that personal censure is now part of the lexicon of politics in Florida. Don't dare to criticize the powers-that-be.

Should I have been so reckless in trusting privacy settings on the internet? Probably not. But, I learned that I should not be reckless in trusting my friends.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Water Baby (Redux)

The Peanut Butter and Jelly Series

"Hi, Mama! I ate all my lunch!"

"...and I really, really enjoyed it!"

"Peanut Butter and Jelly is my favorite!"


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Clearing the Block

In my search for inspiration, collected thoughts, cogent paragraphs and witty rejoinders, I'm settling for another (stolen) meme to clear the writer's block:

Let's start out with something oh so clever, whats your sign? Virgo.

Congratulations! You just had a baby boy! Whats his name? I actually did have a baby boy 16 months ago. His name is Peter Zane Biagi LeBoutillier. If I were to have another baby boy, his name would be Aidan.

Congratulations ! It's a baby girl! You name her? Ava or Lila

Look at your recent calls, who was your last missed call from? Ashley.

What is bothering you right now? Last night.

What is your favorite color? Blue.

Who's the last person you texted? PG.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon? No.

Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?Yes.

If you had $100 would you spend or save it? I would spend it.

If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay? As long as the spider stayed on its own side of the room.

Do you regret anything you've done lately? Yes.

Where are you right now? At my office.

What are you doing? Trying to stay awake.

Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else? I have no judgment of single parents, and would have no trouble dating one if I were single.

What are you doing tonight? The same thing I do every night: put Zane down for a catnap, clean up the kitchen, prepare supper, clean up the kitchen, laundry, bedtime routine for Zane, bedtime routine for mama, and hopefully sound sleep (without the stupid night warblers...)

Could you date someone shorter than you? Yes, if I were single.

Next time you will go to the doctors? August 3.

Last time you cried? Last night.

Do you have the same name as any of your relatives? My middle name is the same as my mother's.

What were you doing at midnight Friday night? Dancing at Mint Lounge in Tallahassee.

Has a boy sat on your bed before? Yes, and a boy sleeps in my bed with me.

Who's the funniest person you know? Ralph Lair.

Are you afraid to grow up? No.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? Yes.

If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you? No.

When was the last time someone yelled at you? Last night.

Do you have nice eyes? I've been told I have nice eyes.

What was the last thing you ate? 8 gumdrops.

How is the weather right now? Hot, sticky, windy.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Someone who called about scheduling the Rep to speak to their group.

Have you ever fired a gun? Yes.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

Are you missing someone? Yes.

Have you hugged or kissed anyone in the last 72 hours? Yes.

What happened at 10AM this morning? Snack time for Z.

Do you miss your past? No.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? PG.

Are you getting engaged any time soon? It's been 10 years, why rush now?

Wearing any bracelets? Yes, a silver beaded bracelet from Tiffany & Co.

Last thing someone bought for you? It's hard to say; my life is populated with generous people.

Does anyone know your passwords other than you? PG.

Did you have a good day yesterday? Yes, until 7:30pm.

Ever kissed someone who smokes? Yes, and I will never, ever do it again.

What are you wearing? White eyelet a-line skirt, bright melon tunic with puff sleeves and Jack Rogers Navajo sandals.

Do you wake up cranky? Not since I became a mother.

Do you bite your nails? Not since I had braces as a teenager.

Who do you want to see at this very moment? Zane.

Do you hate someone right now? No.

Does anyone hate you for no reason? No.

Can you make yourself cry? Yes.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches? No.

What were you doing at 4AM? Waiting for the Benadryl to kick in.

How much money is in your wallet? $55.

Do you believe what goes around comes around? Yes.

Have you ever been called 'heartless? No.

Do you trust people easily? Yes, too easily.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Ick. No.

Which could you tolerate more a sleep walker or someone who snores? Someone who snores.

Would you ever parachute off of a plane? Only to save my life.

Would you ever get a tattoo? I already have two, and would love to get a third.

Are you gonna be home alone tonight? No.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it? Usually.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Not anymore.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? Yes.

Are you good at hiding your emotions? I wish I were.

Do you think too much or too little? Way too much.

Think back five months ago, were you single? No.

Who can you blame for your bad mood today? Myself. I should not have taken that Benadryl at 3:45am.

How do you feel right now? Very sleepy.

Who were the first people you heard this morning? Zane.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? Yes, but I don't have one to celebrate.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? Sadly, no.

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Not sure yet, it's only 11:41am.

Who was the last person you texted? PG.

Do you think a lot before you sleep? Sometimes.

What's running through your mind right now? Can I play hooky to go home and sleep?

Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes.

Do you like to cuddle/snuggle? Sometimes.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? Yes.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yes.

Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? Yes.

Is your life anything like it was a year ago? In the good ways, it is identical; but, now the bad things from a year ago are so much better.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Yes.

How late did you stay up last night? 9:49pm, then woke up at 2:03am, unable to breathe or tune out the stupid night warblers; hence the Benadryl.

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it? Water.

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? Yes.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Zane always makes me happy.

Does anyone call you baby? No.

Are you a patient person? Becoming more patient.

What's the last thing that you said? "I'm on my way."

Any plans for tomorrow? Not sure; Friday plans may change.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Read Organic Gardening.

What can't you wait for? An answer.

What's the worst way to say "I love you"? I agree with Lady E: when there is a "but" following the statement.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Easter. Finally.

After church, before a nap.
No, Mama, I won't smile. Paci gooooood...

Loot from the Easter Bunny. Round 1.

The Dental Floss Incident

A boatload of toys (and I mean that literally...Zane's toybox is an actual boat...) and what does Zane choose to play with? Dental floss. The special dental floss. Woven. With fluoride. For sensitive teeth. The $3.59-a-box special dental floss.
His mission, seemingly, was to remove all of said floss from the box; and he succeeded.

I can't really complain, though; he happily amused himself while I dressed for work. It was all pretty cute actually.

Reach woven floss with fluoride: $3.59. Happy 16-month-old toddler: priceless.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Trash Cabinets and Baby Kisses

I think it may be time to lock the trash cabinet. This morning I found two cordless phones and one sippy cup in the household garbage bin.

In other news unrelated to garbage, Zane's new favorite words are "woooooooow" (he usually busts out with it when presented with a meal), "whooooooaaaa", "ballllllllll", "wa-wu" (waffle) and "buh-bye." He is also blowing raspberries with his tongue out, which just cracks me up. He has also taken to pointing his tiny finger to my belly button and saying "bay-bee." I know Zane is an old soul, and I can't help but wonder if he is asking for a baby brother or sister.

PG and I are mesmerized by the cognitive development taking place right before our eyes. Zane understands how to put things away in their proper place; he will come find us when we call to him; he can distinguish between bunny and bear and monkey when we ask him to bring a specific toy to us; and he will come sit down in front of us to put on his shoes. My favorite thing, though, is the toothy-grin smooch, complete with the "muwah" sound effect. Baby kisses. :)